The Domesticated Knee Grow

I reeeeeaaaaally want a drink today. I've been fighting it though, because I know I want a drink to combat the bullshit I'm dealing with today. That's not a reason to drink. A few weeks back it was, but this new cat wants different. What's that old saying now?

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

Today is not a good day thus far for me. I got little to no sleep last night. I have to figure out a different way of getting some sleep, because I do some real assholish shit when I'm sleep deprived. I'm just generally on edge and tend to react very quickly and harshly. Sometimes that shit is on the money, but often, I just end up doing something I later regret. Life should be like this computer here. I can type, read, edit, delete, re-read, re-edit...so I know I'm saying what I want to say before I post it. Can I get a post button for my mouth?

I just got into an argument with one of my bosses. It's not enough that I do all his grunt work, but then this...dude...wants to call me on his cell while he's driving, just because he's thinking about it at the moment...and you know, he has a grunt; to tell me about the half assedness of the planning of an event that HE SHOULD BE DOING. I've pulled up major slack for this dude, and now it's on me that your shit isn't in order. Dude literally just got off the phone with me because he said he was going to crash if he kept this up. I'm glad it was on the phone because who knows how that convo goes face to face. So I'm typing instead of tossing his desk and walking the fuck out.

See, this is what happens on no sleep folks. This is why all those stoopid ass commercials for this mattress and the next speak the truth. When they tell you how important a good nights sleep is, listen to that shit. On top of being deprived, I have this damn crook in my neck and shoulders. I think it's been 6 days now. I've been doing different asanas to try and correct it, but I think it's coming from the damn thing I'm sleeping on. Not to mention the stress in my life. I need a damn release valve...and a good bed...and a peaceful night's sleep. Is that too much to ask? Apparently it is.

I need to calm down, I know, but I find that I'm asking myself more and more lately: "Why do I have to be the responsible one?" See, in the moment, I just want to be an ignorant ass...but I know after all is said and done, the regret for doing some dumb shit will far outweigh any momentary satisfaction I may get from the look on someone's face when I shit on their possessions. So I swallow it*. But there in lies the problem. I need an outlet to release the frustrations every now and again. Right now, I have none. Any suggestions? Mind you, I have a little one with no family support, meaning I have no baby sitter.

For now, a little sun will have to be enough. I'm going to go get some fresh air, let the sun warm my face a little, and try not to fall asleep while I'm out there...because I'm sure the job frowns against that too. I'd hate for the wrong dude to wake me up.

*I know I said it, but let this be a disclaimer...no jokes please and thank you

On steps of stone he sits
a feeling he can’t understand branded internally
will never reach his lips
or field of vision
So he won’t see how this thing growing inside will become a part of every decision
that he makes
as he waits and never forgets
Caught up in that sharpened by lead and steal
so fuck a feeling learn how
to push that shit back and deal with getting colder
as eyes get older cuz the streets is watchin
Nigga
mentality scared
by the sharpness of the duality
that continues to exist
dying to be molded
craving to be guided
but with no cat at home the game is never shown
in pointed out pitfalls, or lessons to be learned
put your hand in the fire and feel
the pain of gettin burned
is how the lost ones find the way
but once the seeds have been sown and you can be OK
with alone
you find that the sun still shines
the world still turns
the number of people on call is not the measure of your worth
so reclaim that voice and let the words be your church
with no witness
needed

Yeah, brother man is on the grind again. I've been trying to hold my head above water. The uneventful life of a daddy dull dude in effect. Cue my theme music...

I've been wrestling with myself over what I should do to earn a little extra scratch these days. The economy is so fucked up, you can't even hustle anymore. It used to be just broke people hustled for scratch. Sure, some suburbanites got into it for shits and giggles to prove something to the thug gods they praise through the speakers...but only hungry cats do it for income. Now a days seems that no one is eating.

Dem belly full but we Huuuuungry
A Hungry mob is an angry mob...

Not that I'm trying to rally the troops and go hunting or anything...I'm just trying to find my little peace of life to enjoy and grow old with. So I've been thinking about putting the things I love to work for me. The problem is, I can't help but feel like I'd be prostituting myself for it. The one guy on my left shoulder is like, "spread em wide for that cash, bitch", the guy on my right shoulder is like, "the loot will help you cope dude...". I'm not trying to be the justifying stripper...that's worse than the signifying monkey.


Besides, I always feel like there is something for me to learn. It's like that when you love something...the learning doesn't seem like a chore. You don't mind he hours of study, practice, trial and error. As long as your tools are in tact and your canvas remains, so does your desire. The problem, of course, is money don't stand still while you craft your masterpiece over the next 5 years. Daddy Dull Dude needs a fade and some new kicks.

So I tell you what...I'm going to hit yall with a little something here and there for some feed back every now and again. Is that cool? You can let me know if I'm trippin or if it's cool to go ahead grinding. Shit, either way I gotta grind...just not sure if I need a new one...

Today, I got up and helped my little one get something for breakfast. I was in the middle of connecting to my work network so I could clean up some loose ends. I carried my laptop to the kitchen and set it down while getting the little one a plate and making myself some much needed coffee.

"Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day Papa."

I was a little irritated by the words. Not because of the day or having anything major against the Man it was meant to honor. More so because it made me think my little one had little grasp on any of the reasons or circumstances that led to a day in his name. So I asked her...

"Do you know anything about who that is?"

This led us into conversation about history, about my little one's place in it. I grabbed the laptop and before I knew it my morning gave way to history lessons and video viewings of different parts of the civil rights era. Before I get too deep into it, understand that this is not an MLK or Black History blog. No, this start to my day led me to a point of self reflection that I haven't given proper attention.

I wonder if my parents are disappointed in the type of man I've become? Perhaps a small bit of perspective first.

My mother came of age in the civil rights era. She was a member of the Student Non Violent Coordinating Committee. Later, she would join the Panther Party and meet my father. I explained this to my little one as we discussed different aspects of the 50's and 60's. As we talked and I watched her intently watching the videos I'd pulled up on the laptop, I thought of my Mother, talking to me about her experiences when I was my little one's age. I remember my father telling me stories of narrow escape and the brothers I was named after. I remember feeling a sense of pride from a young age to be the child of such conscious people. That was before the complexities of real life washed the romanticism away for good.

My relationship with my parents have since strained. My parents don't exactly agree with the decisions I've made for myself and my family. As I've grown and my life's picture as become clearer, I've come to view the decisions they've made through the eyes of a parent. I've become disheartened as I realize the impact their remissions have had on my life. I consider this as I teach my own child about the history that has shaped me, her mother & her. I consider how I'll react when she grows old enough to judge my life and the decisions I've made. I wonder if I'll be disappointed by the direction she takes, the way my own parents must be disappointed with me.

It's not with regret that I dwell on this thought today. It's a way of paying homage to where I've come from while also considering what the future may hold. It scares me a little.

I realize that we all must grow and find our own perspective paths. We never seem to realize as we are being shaped, all of the factors that shape us. We are often shaped most by the variables we seek to avoid.

Have you ever been angry enough to put your fist through something? Most of us have...some of actually go ahead and try our best to break every bone in our hand. Why? What can trigger that much anger, and why is it not manageable enough to stop you? It causes people to both kill and create life.

I know for most of my fellas, emotion is seen as a woman's thing. I mean we feel what we feel, but keep that shit on the inside. Exhibiting too much is seen as a weakness because it allows others to get a read on you. Let someone read what you don't want them to know and they may get an angle on you to exploit. I'm not doling out excuses, but trying to track a real phenomenon that has contributed to the breakdown of many of our relationships. How can you be a father, lover, husband or friend without showing a little something by way of your mental, physical or spiritual connection?

I can't speak for women, but my experience has been that the women I've known tend to be very good at emoting. So good that I've been put into some very uncomfortable situations as a result. I say uncomfortable because it's new ground...shit I'm not used to.

I've been reading a lot of eastern minded meditation material again regarding the nature of our spirit. Basically writings that attempt to give you advice on how to get all that and a bag of chips. I want all that, but I can leave the chips. Unless it's cheese puffs...or those honey bbq joints...or the cheddar sour cream...Mmmmmmmmm. OK, maybe I'll take the chips.

I guess I'm just trying to figure out my best path and best way. Whenever trouble and waves rock my little boat, it becomes very easy to simply react with raw emotion to the situation. That may be with anger, jealousy, despair, pity, loathing, lust, deceit, etc. For that matter, when the seas are calm and the sun is shining, your reaction may become happy, lazy, lustful, gluttony. Our emotional responses. All those things that act as a conduit that tie ourselves with this world and the things in it. Many say that it's what makes us human. So the question, in my mind, is how do we become the best humans we can be?

Some say that the path to happiness and bliss lies in suppressing our emotions. As if taking the emotional response out of the equation means each decision is sound and logical. I'm not sure that I want to live in a world like that.

Some say that emotions are like any other sensory perception and that they are necessary in telling you bits of information. If you stick your hand into fire...the pain derived from dieing cells that are being fried is the warning that tells you to pull your hand out...and never do it again.

I've been trying to figure out how to keep it balanced. So how do I do that?

You ever give much thought to how your actions may affect not only your life, but also impact the lives of those around you? What if it were really true that everything you did was interpreted by the universe and some sort of reciprocity was sent out to revisit you at a later date? Or is the universe just some chaotic jumble with no rhyme or reason? Do things just happen and that’s it? If you’re religious, you may tell me that God really is the shaper of things to come and it is God’s will that will dictate tomorrow for you and everyone else according to his/her/it’s plan.

If Karma is not just a concept and instead a reality, I always find myself thinking…"well, I must have done some pretty foul shit in my life..." Me? No, I’m the good one. I’ve never even considered doing anything grimy or dirty, much less DO any of them.*

But really, when things seem at their worst, when it seems as if that dark cloud just keeps following you no matter where you seem to be, it's then that you sit there dumbfounded trying hard to recount what it was that you’ve done to deserve THIS shit. What goes around comes back around…right?

But who decides the severity of it all? Who decides that my little transgression(s?) involving liberated goods when I was…younger, means that I should suffer through short money, ghetto problems, & debtors stepping firmly on my nuts? Or was that particular transgression not what caused that effect? Can a brotha get a chart or something? Before you tell me about how God doles out fair consequences for our actions and it is he/she/it that decides these matters…I mean really, God has nothing better to do than to mess with my head and my life?

How You Would Be Treated

I suppose we really do know the difference between wheat is right and what's wrong. Well, I'll speak for those with some common damn sense, because there are those of us that still can't tell the difference between an ear and an asshole. But we won't discuss them here. Not to sound overly passive (although I tend to at times), but maybe the answer really is in treating others how we'd want ourselves to be treated. That becomes so clouded when someone treats you foul. The question arises whether smackin someone with a doo-doo stick in retribution creates that universal ripple that will ultimately smack you back. Most times I don't want to think that far ahead, it makes my head hurt. At the same time, I'm tired...tired of wading through layers and layers of crap and I know most of it is of my own doing. Maybe we as humans just have this necessity to make sense of everything, even when it doesn't make any sense. Or maybe I'm just a wierdo-fuck-up that doesn't know any better. I know others have already decided on which I am, but I haven't made up my mind yet.

In truth our own personal quips and reality form the basis of morality that we operate from. It is based on these values (or lack thereof) that cause us to do what it is that we do. I used to think that was really simple, because I thought I was a good guy that looked out for the people he cared for, but recently, I've noticed there are still quite a few ugly pieces of my soul that haven't been cleaned up. Sometimes it can be complicated and the same experiences in our lives that pointed us toward kind and good behaviors also nourish the bits of bad that we allow to run loose and unchecked. So the trick is in keeping the good and pruning away the decay.

I remember some years back when I was in a bit of trouble, about 4 months behind on my rent, about to make it 5...utilities, and all breathing down my neck, as a matter of fact, they'd already turned off my lights for the weekend. My vehicle was dead and I was walking to work as a part time fast food knuckle head...shit was bad. I was talking to this older dude who was trying his best to give me some lessons about life...and like most knuckleheads of that age, most of it sounded like the teacher from Charlie Brown to me..."Whoah, whoangh-whoangh, whoah, whoah whoangh..." But a little of it sunk in. What I remember most was his telling me that no matter how deep the whole you find yourself in...the only way to get out is to start climbing. And that doesn't mean it will happen in one day...it may take you a while, but as long as you continue to climb, you'll get yourself out of it. Perhaps, in the end, that is the best way of dealing with this Karma question. Because right now, I still feel like I'm in a hole...but I can keep digging it deeper and ignoring the fact that I'm in a damn hole...or I can start climbing. Doesn't mean I won't slip and give up a little ground from time to time...but the goal remains the same...to get out of this hole.

I'm glad we had this talk...aren't you? Npw, about that $5 you owe me...

Be Easy

Note* If you know me personally and may or may not have been with me when unfortunate things have happened, I will whole heatedly rebuke you as if your name was Lucifer and you were making the nasty with Medusa on the back of a three headed serpent beast.

What is it about my people that makes me swell up with pride and shake my head in disappointment at the same time?

I'm a Domesticated Knee-Grow, that I can accept. I'm not out in them streets slinging heat or meat like tomorrow's not coming. I'm not sure why that would reduce my credibility as a Black man, but for some reason, there are those who think you have to fit the stereotypical model in order to be counted. You know, cuz that's just what Black people do.

Not this Black Person.

I live in a pretty typical ghetto city, USA. There are many ghettoesk things that occur in my neighborhood. There are the loud ghetto barbeques with the drunken brawls that ALWAYS ensue. There is the Puerto Rican family across the street that just moved all 700 living family members into the 2 family building. There's the BeBe's running around the neighborhoods destroying other peoples things and doing other general BeBe ish. It's a ghetto. So when my neighbors 2 doors down decide to detail thier 10 year old Hondas on the block while blasting the latest genocidal anthem...because, you know, it's what
Black people do, I say the hell with what Black People do.

I have grown tired of searching for legitamite black blogs about issues that I can relate to only to have the latest bullshit glamorized for the sake of entertainment. I like to cut up too, but there should be a line.







There are numerous examples of Black people fitting an unflattering stereotype. What's worse is that to many, these images, modes and expressions are completely acceptable. It has become quietly endorsed and thus allowed to be and even embraced.

The Domesticated Knee Grow will not glamorize the BS. I won't write about senselessness for the sake of entertainment.





It's too easy, but totally devoid of substance. Unfortunately, we've come to a point where substance is frowned upon. It's considered boring or too much work with all the reading and thinking and sobering realities. We'd much rather escape and not think about the real world.





Sometimes we try so hard to escape from the pains in our lives that we are also bailing on the good, treasured, shining aspects of our lives until they fade and there is nothing left but the escape. The act becomes the drug that we yern for. So we sit and turn ourselves off and allow the television or our computers to remove us from our struggles. The bafoonery is funny, the violence is real and relatable, the images become desirable, acceptable, and can slowly replace are own values. We are being told a story of which we are not the original authors, but we have taken up the job of retelling this story, to ourselves, to each other and to our children.

Well, as a Domesticated Knee Grow, I'm going to go ahead and draw a line in the sand.

I will not report on the new Trick Daddy anything.

I will not discuss Beyonce & Jay Z's relationship.

I will not be reviewing the latest Little Wayne gentrification anthem.

I'm simply not interested in any of these things, and have grown tired of searching for good underground blogs to read and only finding the same formulas that mimic what successful white bloggers have done. Can we discuss why we find these things so captivating in order to find the answers & move to a better tomorrow? Maybe it's late and I just need to get some rest. Maybe I'm just overly romantic and optimistic right now. Maybe it's not me, maybe we just need to do better.