Daddy Dull Dude v2.0

Posted by Just Jamaal Wednesday, April 21, 2010 2 comments

I reeeeeaaaaally want a drink today. I've been fighting it though, because I know I want a drink to combat the bullshit I'm dealing with today. That's not a reason to drink. A few weeks back it was, but this new cat wants different. What's that old saying now?

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

Today is not a good day thus far for me. I got little to no sleep last night. I have to figure out a different way of getting some sleep, because I do some real assholish shit when I'm sleep deprived. I'm just generally on edge and tend to react very quickly and harshly. Sometimes that shit is on the money, but often, I just end up doing something I later regret. Life should be like this computer here. I can type, read, edit, delete, re-read, I know I'm saying what I want to say before I post it. Can I get a post button for my mouth?

I just got into an argument with one of my bosses. It's not enough that I do all his grunt work, but then this...dude...wants to call me on his cell while he's driving, just because he's thinking about it at the moment...and you know, he has a grunt; to tell me about the half assedness of the planning of an event that HE SHOULD BE DOING. I've pulled up major slack for this dude, and now it's on me that your shit isn't in order. Dude literally just got off the phone with me because he said he was going to crash if he kept this up. I'm glad it was on the phone because who knows how that convo goes face to face. So I'm typing instead of tossing his desk and walking the fuck out.

See, this is what happens on no sleep folks. This is why all those stoopid ass commercials for this mattress and the next speak the truth. When they tell you how important a good nights sleep is, listen to that shit. On top of being deprived, I have this damn crook in my neck and shoulders. I think it's been 6 days now. I've been doing different asanas to try and correct it, but I think it's coming from the damn thing I'm sleeping on. Not to mention the stress in my life. I need a damn release valve...and a good bed...and a peaceful night's sleep. Is that too much to ask? Apparently it is.

I need to calm down, I know, but I find that I'm asking myself more and more lately: "Why do I have to be the responsible one?" See, in the moment, I just want to be an ignorant ass...but I know after all is said and done, the regret for doing some dumb shit will far outweigh any momentary satisfaction I may get from the look on someone's face when I shit on their possessions. So I swallow it*. But there in lies the problem. I need an outlet to release the frustrations every now and again. Right now, I have none. Any suggestions? Mind you, I have a little one with no family support, meaning I have no baby sitter.

For now, a little sun will have to be enough. I'm going to go get some fresh air, let the sun warm my face a little, and try not to fall asleep while I'm out there...because I'm sure the job frowns against that too. I'd hate for the wrong dude to wake me up.

*I know I said it, but let this be a jokes please and thank you

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A Lone...

Posted by Just Jamaal Friday, January 29, 2010 0 comments

On steps of stone he sits
a feeling he can’t understand branded internally
will never reach his lips
or field of vision
So he won’t see how this thing growing inside will become a part of every decision
that he makes
as he waits and never forgets
Caught up in that sharpened by lead and steal
so fuck a feeling learn how
to push that shit back and deal with getting colder
as eyes get older cuz the streets is watchin
mentality scared
by the sharpness of the duality
that continues to exist
dying to be molded
craving to be guided
but with no cat at home the game is never shown
in pointed out pitfalls, or lessons to be learned
put your hand in the fire and feel
the pain of gettin burned
is how the lost ones find the way
but once the seeds have been sown and you can be OK
with alone
you find that the sun still shines
the world still turns
the number of people on call is not the measure of your worth
so reclaim that voice and let the words be your church
with no witness

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The Grind

Posted by Just Jamaal Tuesday, January 26, 2010 1 comments

Yeah, brother man is on the grind again. I've been trying to hold my head above water. The uneventful life of a daddy dull dude in effect. Cue my theme music...

I've been wrestling with myself over what I should do to earn a little extra scratch these days. The economy is so fucked up, you can't even hustle anymore. It used to be just broke people hustled for scratch. Sure, some suburbanites got into it for shits and giggles to prove something to the thug gods they praise through the speakers...but only hungry cats do it for income. Now a days seems that no one is eating.

Dem belly full but we Huuuuungry
A Hungry mob is an angry mob...

Not that I'm trying to rally the troops and go hunting or anything...I'm just trying to find my little peace of life to enjoy and grow old with. So I've been thinking about putting the things I love to work for me. The problem is, I can't help but feel like I'd be prostituting myself for it. The one guy on my left shoulder is like, "spread em wide for that cash, bitch", the guy on my right shoulder is like, "the loot will help you cope dude...". I'm not trying to be the justifying stripper...that's worse than the signifying monkey.

Besides, I always feel like there is something for me to learn. It's like that when you love something...the learning doesn't seem like a chore. You don't mind he hours of study, practice, trial and error. As long as your tools are in tact and your canvas remains, so does your desire. The problem, of course, is money don't stand still while you craft your masterpiece over the next 5 years. Daddy Dull Dude needs a fade and some new kicks.

So I tell you what...I'm going to hit yall with a little something here and there for some feed back every now and again. Is that cool? You can let me know if I'm trippin or if it's cool to go ahead grinding. Shit, either way I gotta grind...just not sure if I need a new one...

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The Wheel

Posted by Just Jamaal Monday, January 18, 2010 0 comments

Today, I got up and helped my little one get something for breakfast. I was in the middle of connecting to my work network so I could clean up some loose ends. I carried my laptop to the kitchen and set it down while getting the little one a plate and making myself some much needed coffee.

"Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day Papa."

I was a little irritated by the words. Not because of the day or having anything major against the Man it was meant to honor. More so because it made me think my little one had little grasp on any of the reasons or circumstances that led to a day in his name. So I asked her...

"Do you know anything about who that is?"

This led us into conversation about history, about my little one's place in it. I grabbed the laptop and before I knew it my morning gave way to history lessons and video viewings of different parts of the civil rights era. Before I get too deep into it, understand that this is not an MLK or Black History blog. No, this start to my day led me to a point of self reflection that I haven't given proper attention.

I wonder if my parents are disappointed in the type of man I've become? Perhaps a small bit of perspective first.

My mother came of age in the civil rights era. She was a member of the Student Non Violent Coordinating Committee. Later, she would join the Panther Party and meet my father. I explained this to my little one as we discussed different aspects of the 50's and 60's. As we talked and I watched her intently watching the videos I'd pulled up on the laptop, I thought of my Mother, talking to me about her experiences when I was my little one's age. I remember my father telling me stories of narrow escape and the brothers I was named after. I remember feeling a sense of pride from a young age to be the child of such conscious people. That was before the complexities of real life washed the romanticism away for good.

My relationship with my parents have since strained. My parents don't exactly agree with the decisions I've made for myself and my family. As I've grown and my life's picture as become clearer, I've come to view the decisions they've made through the eyes of a parent. I've become disheartened as I realize the impact their remissions have had on my life. I consider this as I teach my own child about the history that has shaped me, her mother & her. I consider how I'll react when she grows old enough to judge my life and the decisions I've made. I wonder if I'll be disappointed by the direction she takes, the way my own parents must be disappointed with me.

It's not with regret that I dwell on this thought today. It's a way of paying homage to where I've come from while also considering what the future may hold. It scares me a little.

I realize that we all must grow and find our own perspective paths. We never seem to realize as we are being shaped, all of the factors that shape us. We are often shaped most by the variables we seek to avoid.